Boys Lie: How Not to Get Played

By Belisa Vranich and Holly Eagleson
Health Communications

I was of two minds while reading Boys Lie: on one hand, I appreciated that Belisa Vranich and Holly Eagleson have taken the time to research and write a “cheat sheet” giving young girls a “BS detector” and helping them separate the good apples from the bad ones. On the other hand, the title of the book might lead one to believe that the authors think all boys lie in order to have their way with girls. In their defense, the authors stress that their book is “not a manifesto against guys,” but rather a way to help smart girls deal with the “messy truths about guys and relationships.”

While I recognize that teenagers are exposed to an overwhelming amount of (mis)information from their peers, the Internet, and other sources, I wonder if the negative connotation of the title could have been neutralized in some way. Boys Lie is divided into seventeen chapters entitled Lie #X. The authors cover everything from contraceptives and how to protect yourself against STI's to love and sex in the digital age to the physical and emotional abuse that, sadly, goes on in teen relationships. The authors take statements (lies) that young men regularly tell young women to get them to engage in activities they might not otherwise be willing to engage in as the jumping off point for the topics discussed in each chapter.

For example, Lie #4 is “you can hook up with a friend without having feelings involved.” The authors include a list of different ways a boy might say a particular lie. In this case, he might say, “You can have sex like a man” or “Hook ups with friends don’t count.” The authors discuss what happens to the female brain when a girl is on a “booty call.” When women get physically close to a guy, the authors explain, they experience a rush of happy hormones and neurotransmitters that make them want to increase the frequency of the hookups. Since men don’t have the same physical and emotional reactions to a casual hookup, this creates a situation that often leads to the woman getting hurt and the friendship ending.

Lie #16 is “you need someone to keep you in line.” This chapter is about physical and emotional abuse, and is disturbing in its exploration of the destructive patterns that surface in teen relationships. The authors point out that one out of three teens has reported being the victim of physical or emotional abuse by a romantic partner, and one in five girls has either been involved in a violent relationship or threatened with violence by a partner. According to a recent study, violence against girls on television has increased by 400 percent over the past five years, and digital abuse (e.g., monitoring a partner's online behavior, constantly texting someone to keep tabs on them, and pressuring someone to engage in digital sex) is also on the rise.

Boys Lie includes statements girls can use to counter boys' lies. If you’re a teenager or a parent, this book is a must read. In an ideal world, Boys Lie wouldn’t be necessary, but we have to live in the real world.

Review by Gita Tewari

Get Opinionated: A Progressive’s Guide to Finding Your Voice (and Taking a Little Action)

By Amanda Marcotte
Seal Press

A few years ago, my uncle, the family’s token conservative, sent me a copy of Dinesh D’Souza’s Letters to a Young Conservative, probably to irk my mother. Despite my inclinations, I decided to give it a try. The first chapter of Letters is masterful, beginning with a lecture D’Souza gave at Columbia University, at which he was greeted with crowds of angry, rioting, liberal students bent on silencing his conservative point of view. D’Souza recalls fighting his way through bullhorns and posters saying things about “capitalism” and “imperialism.” D'Souza presented this situation as a testament to the sorry state of modern liberalism. Although today this sequence may remind us of a Tea Party rally, the image of the crazed young liberal beating drums and waving signs is one that’s hard to shake.

I thought of D'Souza's Letters while reading a new book on modern progressivism, Get Opinionated by Amanda Marcotte, editor of Pandagon and regular contributor to RH Reality Check and Slate's Double X blog. Both are fiery calls to action from well-respected authors. Unfortunately, both are also a little light on facts and evidence.

Marcotte clearly sees her goal as motivating liberals—ostensibly young liberals—to become more politically aware and take steps in their own lives to see their ideals realized. “Consciousness raising isn’t just for identity politics,” she tells the reader, urging him or her to leave comments on blogs to foster intellectual discourse. Marcotte says that to counter anti-government histrionics from conservatives progressives need to put forth “positive, truth-based counter-arguments to raise people’s consciousness.” If only Get Opinionated practiced what it preaches.

The problem is that Marcotte isn’t arming her readers with strong arguments. Instead, Get Opinionated teaches readers that hyperbole will suffice when it comes to shaping political beliefs. If Marcotte urges her readers to go forth and debate, then she should also explain that they should be equipped with serious arguments and evidence, which some progressives aren’t.

Marcotte acknowledges that liberals often have a PR problem. Addressing the war on drugs, for example, she reminds us that stoners don’t make the best spokespersons, stressing that, instead, sensible drug policies are best fought for by someone who looks good in a suit, doesn’t smoke pot, and will discuss the social and economic ramifications of mass incarceration. But while Marcotte notes that a reasoned liberal makes a stronger case, she doesn’t always follow her own advice.

“Deep down inside, we all wish people read and thought about subjects in a little more depth,” she writes. But when it comes to offering a framework for addressing more touchy subjects, Marcotte has a harder time presenting sober, nuanced opinions. Take, for example, her discussion of terrorism. The language used in discussions about terrorism is tricky, with liberals often confusing their emotions about Bush's misadventures in Iraq with the separate issue of terrorism. Marcotte herself falls victim to the dangers of emotional rhetoric. “The most likely explanation for the unnecessary histrionics at airport security is that they’re part of the ‘frog in boiling water’ strategy of introducing a stronger police state,” she writes. Such an argument echoes the kind of wacky conspiracy theories that keep liberal opinions from being taken seriously. Perhaps Marcotte is right, but such accusations need evidence. Presented only as speculation, they are no better than Fox News claiming Barack Obama is a socialist.

Political debate should not rely on ad hominem attacks, but that good idea is frequently overshadowed by the ways in which Marcotte fires at conservatives. A great blogger, journalist, and feminist, Marcotte is just the person to demonstrate the sexist implications of social conservatism. Instead, she intimates that socially conservative men get turned on by talk of “family” and that they spend an inordinate amount of time “monitoring the status of their teenage daughters’ hymens.” These accusations are counterproductive, sidetracking the debate from the actual reasons social conservatism harms women. Marcotte risks alienating potential supporters of women’s rights by giving a distasteful comment while setting a low bar for political debate.

Marcotte is at her best when she argues that “You Don’t Have to Be a Stinky Hippie to Care about the Environment,” the name of her first chapter. She paints an enticing picture of a life in which Americans ride bikes, grow gardens, eat less meat, and save energy in myriad ways. But most liberals already accept that America needs to reduce its carbon footprint. So even though this is a strong point, it is by far the most conventional.

What Marcotte misses in her book is that liberal thought today still lacks a coherent and well-reasoned approach to national security. It’s too bad she took a reactive stance rather than the positive goal of creating a new, liberal approach. It is precisely because Marcotte repeatedly invokes the power of conversation, debate, and good information that the lack of careful reasoning in the book is so strange. Get Opinionated is clearly Marcotte’s own vision of liberalism, one that she hopes will inspire others to think and talk. However, she should demonstrate how to formulate intelligent and persuasive opinions, not just encourage her readers to get political.

“I want badly to say that reading this book means you’re already on the right path, but humility forces me to declare that it is only marginally deeper than Jon Stewart’s book featuring naked pictures of historical figures,” Marcotte says. She could argue that Get Opinionated was all in good fun, that this review is overblown because she wasn’t that serious. But publishing a book has responsibilities, especially when it purports to represent a liberal viewpoint. Marcotte is smart and could have done better. Instead, she may have accidentally given D’Souza new fodder for a second Letters.

Review by Pema Levy

This article was created by Campus Progress.

The Paper Bride: Wedding DIY from Pop-the-Question to Tie-the-Knot and Happily Ever After

By Esther K. Smith
Potter Craft

Weddings are expensive. CNN Money states that, even with the recession, the average cost of a wedding in 2008 was $21,814. Paper goods, like invitations, save-the-date cards, and guest books can add up—so why not make them yourself? Esther Smith's instructional how-to book, The Paper Bride, goes over absolutely everything you need to make a wedding the way you want.

The Paper Bride starts with a cute proposal idea—a ring hidden in a book—and moves onto alternative ways to let people know you are engaged: postcard, magnets, or even traditional save-the-date cards, but with funky envelopes and mailers. Smith comes up with out of the ordinary ideas for invitations and bridal showers. Not a fan of finger sandwiches? How about a liquor shower, where each guest brings one bottle for the party and one bottle for your liquor cabinet. The book truly sticks to its name, even showing off a paper wedding dress.

Smith's background is in letterpress, so she goes into great depth about making your own books and journals, and even has a chart for doing calligraphy yourself. If you have never done paper crafts before, don't worry: Smith goes over each step in detail, and provides diagrams that even a first time DIYer can follow. In the back of book, there are templates for making envelopes, boxes, program fans, and coasters. Some of the crafts are offbeat, like making paper flowers, while others are great even if you aren't planning a wedding, such as making your own photo album.

The great thing about The Paper Bride is that Smith emphasizes putting your own style into your wedding. If you're not into the traditional white wedding, then you can design your paper goods to reflect that. No matter what type of wedding you're having, this book has something you can use. But as Smith reminds her readers, the wedding day should not be the pinnacle of the relationship: “it will be wonderful, whatever happens, but it shouldn't be the happiest day of your life. You don't want the rest of your life to go downhill from there. You want to live happily ever after!”

Review by Elizabeth Stannard Gromisch

Come Hell or High Water: A Handbook on Collective Process Gone Awry

By Delfina Vannucci and Richard Singer
AK Press

Mahatma Gandhi famously urged his followers to “be the change you want to see in the world.” It sounds so simple: Be kind, listen well, mediate conflicts, and treat all living things with respect. But as anyone who has ever worked in a community or civic organization knows, power plays are common and Gandhi’s counsel is easy to ignore.

Delfina Vannucci and Richard Singer’s Come Hell or High Water is a pocket-sized pamphlet meant to help anarchist organizers avoid the pitfalls endemic to social change efforts. The lessons are clearly written—and supplemented by hilarious line drawings. They’re also applicable beyond anarchist circles. Indeed, this practical manual offers easy-to-follow guidelines that can be applied to all kinds of situations, from the workplace to the affinity group.

For example, anyone who has ever participated in a so-called collective has seen how difficult it is to share power. Time and again, we see a charismatic leader rise to the top, becoming the de facto spokesperson and decision-maker, while everyone else scurries to assist him or her. Despite lip service about all members being equal, in practice, this rarely if ever happens. “When the ideal of egalitarianism is allowed to flounder unattended to,” Vannucci and Singer write, “it can devolve right back into the patterns that most of us knew in our lives outside of collectives: Hierarchy, mistrust, looking out only for oneself, and sometimes even underhanded scheming.”

Their solution? Pay attention to process, encourage debate, be sure all individuals and factions get a chance to air their positions, and then vote. While consensus is important, they conclude, voting allows dissenting opinions to be recorded and lets all sides vent their ideas before a final tally. They also offer a check list of behaviors that erode participation: Tolerating people who act exasperated or impatient, as if less-popular members are wasting the group‘s time with questions or contending opinions; slandering a member of the group behind his or her back between meetings; using intimidation tactics to keep opposition at bay; condoning behavior that lets a few activists act wounded or victimized by criticism; making oneself indispensable and not sharing information; treating others as though they are silly or stupid; and injecting fear by projecting dire consequences if things are not done a particular way.

While concrete examples of these practices—and how they destroyed a collective or came close—would have made the pamphlet even stronger, anyone who has attempted to plan an action, organize an event, or create something new will recognize the destructive demeanors outlined in Come Hell or High Water. Making the Diva or Dictator aware of his or her actions—and making clear that such behavior is unacceptable—Vannucci and Singer write, is key to developing a new paradigm. They also argue that collective process doesn’t mean that people have to agree with each other 100 percent of the time. Instead, learning how to disagree without rancor and engaging in civil discourse despite disagreements is a good starting point in recasting the world. As Gandhi made clear, progressive advancement requires imagination and creativity to envision alternatives to capitalism, war, oppression, and hierarchies.

Review by Eleanor J. Bader

How to Get Divorced by 30: My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage

By Sascha Rothchild
Plume

It’s not like someone would seek out this book looking to find advice on how to damage their marriage, but it definitely piques the curiosity of anyone trying to understand how easily a marriage can go awry. How to Get Divorced by 30 is Sascha Rothchild’s personal tale of her short-lived marriage. Surprisingly, it’s not a man-bashing book picking on her ex-husband (some of his faults are mentioned, but not focused upon). Instead, Sascha tells her story by explaining how the various events, influences, and personal insecurities in her own life led to her choosing a relationship that seemed to fill her needs, but resulted in feeding her flaws.

Sascha’s unabashed honesty about herself, especially exposing her quirky personal demons, is highly admirable. Regardless of whether you agree with her viewpoints, you can’t help but revere her accurate self-assessment and the courage it took to write this book. You also can’t help but relate to her inner struggles with self-perception, including weight, looks, and identity. It’s normal for women to have insecurities in these areas, but Sascha takes the exploration further by discovering how her insecurities led to poor relationship choices. Looking to resolve her issues, she’d try to find a sense of security through relationships.

We all tend to choose a partner who counteracts our shortcomings in some way or another, which is why you can’t help but relate to the author. However, what is most interesting about the book is how she focused on the fact that her unhealthy relationship with herself was not only the root cause of her divorce, but also the cause of her marriage (and other failed relationships) in the first place.

By the end of the book you feel like you know Sascha personally. Her influence will cause you to stop and reflect on your own life, the relationships you’ve had, and how your own insecurities may have caused problems in ways you never before realized. I assure you this is a good thing. If we could all look at ourselves with blatant honesty (not harshness nor kindness, just what is) then we would all be better people. We spend too much time pretending to be what others think we should be, lying to ourselves, and trying so hard to measure up that we lose sight of our own needs and happiness. That’s what happened to Sascha.

By sharing her journey of self-discovery (and divorce) Sascha helps readers to more truthfully look at their own lives. Meanwhile, the read is an excitingly entertaining journey. Be prepared to finish the book in one sitting. It’s a fast read, but mostly because you can’t put it down until you've finished it.

Review by Sarah Eve Nichols-Fulghum

Tune Him In, Turn Him On: Using Intuition to Find and Keep the Man of Your Dreams

By Servet Hasan
Llewellyn Publications

Relationship advice can be a tricky and sensitive topic at times. Over time you learn not to take it from anyone except a small number of entrusted friends. In Servet Hasan's Tune Him In, Turn Him On, the author takes a new approach to dating men: actively developing and applying your intuition. Those of us who rely on our gut feeling and are into spiritual activities, like opening our chakras and visualizing auras, may appreciate Hasan’s blend of spirituality and boy guidance.

I found this book to be geared toward younger women who are feeling lost in their love lives and insecure in their relationship abilities. Hasan offers gentle exercises that give the readers support and energy during difficult moments when they want to stop obsessing over a guy and start focusing on their deeper selves. For example, one of her meditations includes letting go of old relationship baggage by visualizing suitcases filled with past memories floating down a river until they are out of sight. Another exercise is a more traditional golden light meditation that helps readers replenish their inner core and connect with their relationship goals.

I found some of Hasan's confident generalizations about “all men” limiting. These generalizations didn't always make sense to me because I've met men who are “naturally born talkers” or who have admitted they are in love, contrary to Hasan’s assertions. It could be that the book is tailored to help seduce a certain type of man or for women mainly focused on marriage. Either way, creating more distance between the genders with the “us” against “them” perspective and reinforcing heteronormative ideals in the dating game is not something that I happily took away from this book.

Overall, Hasan covers all the dating basics and pushes readers to really think about their own love goals, whatever they may be: opening up to someone new, dating, or marriage. She spends several chapters talking about how women should work on their relationships with themselves before going out to find 'the man of their dreams'. Hasan even guarantees that once you fall in love with yourself, your ideal man will come to you, instead of you having to go out and search for him.

Review by Cinthia Pacheco